Mental Load Resources to Support Your Relationship

If you have been carrying the mental load for a long time, one of the hardest parts is figuring out who or what can actually help offer sustainable and meaningful support. Not a well-meaning friend telling you to just make him a list. Not another system that just one of you ends up managing but actual, informed, practical support from people who understand what you are carrying and how to lighten it.

At Better Share we know that the support that you and/or your relationship needs can come in all forms. So I (Dr. Morgan) put this together for you. It is a running list of the resources, coaches, tools, and reads I trust and recommend, the ones I have personally used or that come from people whose work I genuinely respect and refer to.

You do not need every single thing on this list. Read through, notice what pulls at you, and start with the one that feels closest to where you are right now.

Start Here: The Care Load Report

If you are ready to actually see and name what you have been carrying, this is where I would send you first. The Care Load Report is the most comprehensive picture I know of for measuring the mental, emotional, and physical labor of running a home. You answer questions across every corner of family life where the load usually hides, and you get back a detailed breakdown of what you’re carrying (you each get to take it or only one of you can; totally your choice).

Here is what makes the CLR different, not only does it make the invisible visible it also helps you and/or your partner really narrow down what you want to see change. Maybe it’s sharing something with more fluidity, handing something off for good, or receiving appreciation for all the invisible things you take care of. But having clear objectives for meaningful change is what will ultimately help your relationship move forward.

The final piece that sets the CLR apart is that it comes with an accompanying guide written in your perspective to your partner. It explains what you want most, it outlines what steps are needed for change, and it does it all without stirring up defensiveness. When your partner takes the assessment, they will get a guide written to you too.

The entire purpose is to help you and your partner get on the same page around all that it takes to run your home and family so that you feel like you’re in it together, not just logisitcal partners, but actual partners. On the same team.

Learn more about the Care Load Report here.

If you want to try the free version first, you can take the free Care Load Assessment to get a taste of what the full report unlocks.

The Better Share App

After the invisible has been made visible, this is where I would send you. Better Share is the relationship tool my team and I built specifically for this, the invisible, endless, unspoken work of running a home and a family together. It is the tool I wish I had when I was carrying all of it and did not know how to explain what I was carrying.

Inside, you and your partner take the free Care Load Assessment, a short quiz that measures the mental, emotional, and physical labor of running your household. And you’ll get tools and support that help to move your relationship forward. Like short experiments that unlock deep insights like: why do we keep having tension around difficult conversations? Or why do we value the same things but keep conflicting when it comes to important decisions?

Better Share also helps you and your partner build healthy and protective relationship habits through guided check-ins and a tool called same page which helps you and your partner get glimpses into one another’s invisible worlds.

Better Share is not another to-do list app. It is not a chore chart. It is designed to make the load visible, then support your relationship through what comes next.

Get Better Share if you are ready to dive in with your partner

Books Worth Reading

Sometimes you want to curl up with something you can underline and revisit. These are books I recommend on the mental load, invisible labor, and building a more equitable partnership. Different books land differently, so pick the one whose approach speaks to you.

A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle the Mental Load for More Fun, Less Resentment, and Great Sex by Dr. Morgan Cutlip. My book, written for couples who want to understand why the load falls the way it does and how to actually work through it together. One of the few books that will not put men on the defensive.

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky. The book behind the Fair Play method that you will see referenced across this space. Eve uses a deck of cards representing every household task to help couples redistribute the load. This is one of the first books that gave women the language for what they were carrying.

Drained: Reduce Your Mental Load to Do Less and Be More by Leah Ruppanner, PhD. Leah is a sociologist, and she breaks the mental load down into eight distinct types, not just chores and logistics. Her Mental Load Audit at the end is a genuinely useful tool for figuring out where your energy is actually going. =

What’s on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life by Allison Daminger. Allison is the sociologist whose research put the phrase cognitive labor on the map. This book is where she pulls that research together for a general reader, drawing on interviews with more than 80 couples. If you want the rigor and the why, this is your book.

Our Home: The Love, Work, and Heart of Family by Lori Sugarman-Li. A beautiful children’s book that reframes chores as acts of care for the whole family. Great for reading with kids as part of shifting how everyone in the house thinks about the work of running one.

How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn. Funny, personal, and honest. A good one to hand to a friend who is deep in it and needs to laugh through the frustration.

Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less by Tiffany Dufu. A powerful read on letting go of the impossible standards that keep so many of us over-functioning at home and under-thriving everywhere else.

Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home by Kate Mangino. A researched, practical look at what it actually takes to build a truly equal partnership at home, drawn from interviews with couples who have done it well.

When You Want Personalized Coaching: Coaches I Trust

Sometimes an app or a book is not enough, and what you actually need is a real human sitting with you and your partner, helping you sort through your specific situation. These are coaches whose work I know, respect, and refer to. Every one of them thinks deeply about the mental load, and each brings something different to the table. Explore their pages and pick the one whose approach resonates with you.

A quick note: you will see the credential “Certified Fair Play Facilitator” come up in a few of these bios. Fair Play is a system created by Eve Rodsky that uses a set of cards representing household tasks to help couples redistribute the invisible labor of home life. It is one of several trainings a good coach might have, and I am naming it here so the credentials make sense as you read.

1. Brian Page, Modern Husbands. Brian is one of the voices I most trust in this space, especially for reaching husbands. He is a Certified Financial Therapist, a Certified Fair Play Facilitator and an Accredited Financial Counselor, which means he works with couples on the domestic load and the money side of shared life, both of which are usually tangled up together. His whole platform is built on the idea of running your home and your finances as a team. If your husband is more likely to engage with another guy who has been there, Brian is a beautiful place to send him. Learn more at modernhusbands.com or book coaching directly.
2. Lori Sugarman-Li, Our Home Our Pride. Lori is a family coach, speaker, and author of the award-winning children’s book Our Home: The Love, Work, and Heart of Family. She works with families to bring more equity, intention, and pride into the way their homes function, and she is especially wonderful if you want to shift how the whole household, including your kids, thinks about the work of running a home. Her framing of chores as acts of love, not gendered obligations, is a genuine mindset shift. Find her at ourhomeourpride.com.
3. Zach Watson, Invisible Labor Coach. Zach is another one I love recommending for the partner who needs to get it. He is a former math teacher with a Master’s in Education who now works specifically with men on understanding and sharing the mental load. His content has reached tens of millions of people because he explains the invisible in a way that finally lands. If your husband keeps saying he just does not see it, Zach is the person to send him to. Find him at zachmentalloadcoach.com.
4. John Badalament, The Fatherhood Project. John is a Harvard-trained educator, author of The Modern Dad’s Dilemma, and the director of programs at The Fatherhood Project at Massachusetts General Hospital. His work is more focused on the fatherhood side of the conversation, how dads stay connected, present, and engaged, which is deeply tied to the mental load. He is a beautiful resource for men who want to be more than a helper in their own home. Learn more at thefatherhoodproject.org.
5. Christy and Will Lowry, The Parents Table. Christy is a Certified Fair Play Facilitator and Parenthood Transition Coach and Will is a Dad Coach, and together they built The Parents Table specifically to help couples navigate becoming parents as a team. They coach couples through the transition to parenthood and the early years, and they have their own framework, the TEAM US Method, for keeping resentment from stacking up quietly. If you are in that pregnancy-to-preschool window, they are a gift. Find them at theparentstable.com.
6. Nikki Goldwater, Root and Branch Parenthood. Nikki is a Chicago-based Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Fair Play Facilitator, and RETAIN Parental Leave Coach with over a decade of experience. Because she is a therapist as well as a coach, she is a really strong option if the mental load conversation is tangled up with anxiety, depression, birth trauma, grief, or the identity shifts of early parenthood. She works with individuals and couples. Find her at rootandbranchparenthood.com.

When You Want to Actually Outsource: Sage Haus

Sometimes the answer is not just better communication or a printable system. Sometimes you need another human physically doing the work. This is where I send people who want to genuinely take things off their plate.

Sage Haus, founded by Kelly Hubbell, is a hiring and systems service for busy families. They help you find and hire a house manager, family assistant, or meal prep chef, and they walk you through how to actually delegate to that person so you are not still managing them from behind the scenes. They also have a Home Systems Digital Course for families who want the systems piece without the hire.

If you have ever thought I need help, but I do not know how to hand anything off, this is exactly what Sage Haus was built for. Learn more at sagehaus.com.

When You Want a Visual Family Command Center: Skylight Calendar

I am a big fan of tools that get the invisible out of your head and into a place your whole family can see. The Skylight Calendar is a touchscreen wall calendar that syncs with Google, Apple, and Outlook, and pulls everyone’s schedule into one shared view. It also has a chore chart and meal planner built in.

I love it because it stops making one person the human calendar for the whole family. When practice, appointments, and dinner are all up on the wall, they belong to the household, not just to you. Learn more at myskylight.com.

When the Conversations Keep Falling Apart: Done with Defensiveness

Here is the thing I hear more than almost anything else. You try to bring up the load, and within two minutes it has spiraled into an argument, or your partner has shut down, or you are stuck defending yourself for even bringing it up. And the actual issue never gets addressed.

If that is you, my audio course Done with Defensiveness is the one I would send you to next. It teaches you a simple, repeatable framework for handling the moments where defensiveness kicks in, from both sides, so the conversation can actually keep moving. It is short, practical, and designed to be used in the moment, not filed away for later.

You can learn more here.

The Real Takeaway

You do not have to figure this out alone. That is the whole point of this list. Whether you are just starting to notice the load, deep in resentment, or actively trying to rebuild something with your partner, there is a real person or a real tool for wherever you are.

If you want the fastest starting point, get Better Share or take the free Care Load Report. If you want to read your way into it, pick a book above and start there. If you want a human in your corner, choose a coach whose approach speaks to you. There is no wrong door in.

I will keep adding to this list as I find and vet more resources. If there is someone or something you think belongs here, or a specific kind of support you wish existed and cannot find, send it my way. This is what we want Better Share to be, not just an app but a whole network of support around the work of running a shared life.